Murder Hornets and Earthquakes

I mean, seriously?  I dare not ask if anything else can go wrong in 2020...let us not test the universe.  Last time I spoke those words Mother Nature told me to hold her beer, pushed up her sleeves, chuckled and then whispered in my ear "murder hornetssss".  This year has been horrifying and it seems that every time we think it can't get any worse, it does. In January I was crying over the loss of wildlife from the brushfires in Australia and then things kept snowballing from there.  Just to touch on some of the things that occurred this year, from literally the get-go of 2020...January: the afore mentioned tragic brushfires,  WHO was notified of the novel coronavirus in China, someone dies from the virus in China, the impeachment of POTUS (no comment), the first case of coronavirus hits the US in Washington state, Kobe and his daughter lose their lives in a helicopter crash, Brexit.  February: Trump is acquitted (still no comment), Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of being a monster, WHO declares the virus a pandemic. March: the worst drop in the Dow since 1987, the 2020 Olympics are postponed, businesses are closed down and everyone is ordered to shelter-in-place.  Just to add to the horror show that is 2020 we lose even more iconic and beloved people like Kenny Rogers, Charlie Daniels, Regis Philbin, Bilbo Baggins (aka Ian Holm) and Chadwick Boseman!  Somewhere in there 2020 throws in the strongest earthquake North Carolina has seen in ninety-four years (it literally woke me up) and Asia shares the scariest flying thing alive with us called the freaking MURDER hornet.  Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if I turned on my tv and it just started spitting out all the Walking Dead characters.

As most of you are aware I own a flower shop in Cary, North Carolina.  I'm so proud and blessed to be counted among other woman who own their own local shops and businesses.  There are so many positive things to say about owning one's own business that is their passion but today I want to talk about how this year has tested each and every one of us who have the responsibility to keep people employed and safe during this ass of a pandemic.  It has been hard...very hard.  In March we received the news, along with so many other small businesses, that we had to close our doors until further notice as we were not deemed essential.  I was crestfallen to say the least.  We had already implemented extra precautions to avoid being shut down but alas that did not stop the State and County making a mass decision to have many of us shut down completely.  We spent the final days we had to complete the shutdown getting flowers to as many senior citizen centers as possible because we had already seen that they were not allowed any visitors, Also, during that time I spent hours upon hours and days upon days writing letters and making phone calls outlining the precautions we had already put into place but to no avail.  My "argument" was that we certainly were essential as we were able to deliver love in the form of flowers to loved ones since travel and visitors were halted weeks prior to our shutdown.  We had put into place a no-contact delivery system and a curbside pickup system which was working wonderfully and quite frankly I was being even stricter than many restaurants.  I took notes about how when food was being delivered people were still sharing the delivery drivers pen and swapping receipts and I made sure to cut that step out first thing.  Anyway, I could go on and on about how I did my best to keep everyone safe but in the end nothing worked.  I was crushed at every turn for what felt like forever - especially knowing that so many people out there could really use the comfort that flower arrangements bring.  I can't even find the words for how I felt about the funerals that didn't get the attention they deserved.  Weddings were being cancelled or rescheduled at best but most were requesting refunds, and those hits just kept coming.  I was scared to death.  My family and friends were so supportive and gave me the strength to keep fighting, and I knew I'd do whatever it took to survive.  This whole scenario lasted about a month but it felt like a year.  Eventually, one of my letters to the State and subsequently the County (which, if you weren't aware overrides the State when it comes to things like this - or more accurately, whoever has the more strict ruling supersedes the other.  More times than not, the County is more pinpointed and strict) worked and we were allowed to "open" again.  By that, I mean we could reinstate our curbside pickups and no-contact deliveries.  I was beyond happy!  I was following the rules to the T and even went as far as to only allow one designer at a time in the shop even though more could be accommodated with social distancing.  In fact, this first week of September is the first week I've allowed two designers to work at the same time and I have them placed well apart from each other with gloves and masks.

Even more recently we were allowed to have customers in our shop but I had been watching all this drama unfold on social media and other outlets about people fighting the mask rule that I decided it was not time to unlock my doors until the Governor made it mandatory.  I refused to put my employees that I consider family at risk because someone thinks they are having their rights taken away by a piece of cloth over their nose and mouth when out in public.  Personally, I'm dumbfounded by this thought process, and this is something that I could go on and on about, but I'll just say this and leave it out there - if you're not wearing a mask then you are the problem.  I have not posted anything on social media about my personal feelings on the matter because everything I say or do can affect my small business, but there it is folks; now you know where I stand.  I want to see my parents this year. I want to hug them, eat with them, kiss my daddy on the cheek again and have some of my mama's amazing lasagna at her kitchen table. I can't do that until I know we are all safe and that only happens if we all do the right thing. However, what I've witnessed lately has led me to feel that it is time to test the waters.  The 15th of this month marks my third anniversary of owning my shop and I have decided that that would be the perfect occasion to welcome in walk-in customers again!  We have worked hard to rearrange the shop so that there is flow and space and have planned other precautions as well and although I'm nervous I know that this is the right timing.  I'm so excited that I'm actually giddy about it!  Am I scared?  Yes of course, but what I've seen at the grocery stores and other businesses has renewed my faith in people, and I feel that this will be really great.  Everyone who has been coming by the shop for flowers has shown nothing but awesomeness and understanding doing curbside services. They wear masks and call from their cars, and I can't thank them and any of you enough for doing that, not just here, but everywhere if you're doing the same thing.  So, that's my reason for this post; I wanted to tell everyone how I was feeling about 2020 and also explain the path I've taken to get to the decision of opening up my shop again.

Before I end this I did want to say some positive things about this year as well because it hasn't all been negative.  I've seen some of the biggest acts of kindness happening all around me and that just makes my whole self smile.  I've seen neighbors helping neighbors, parents appreciating teachers more, car parades for birthday's, people sending food, household items and yes, flowers too to others just because. Outpouring of support to small locally owned business which I cannot thank all of you enough for that - each one of you who has ordered food, hand-crafted gifts from local artists, flowers from your local florist and the list goes on. You have no idea the impact you have made.  Not every small business made it and that is tragic but those that did owe each of you so much, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  We are all in this together and that's a fact.

But let's be real...2020 needs to find a new planet to pick on!  The good news is that it appears Mother Nature forgot to fully follow through on her murder hornet threat.

Thorn In My Side

Guess what?  I've officially owned my business for two years now! Go me!! When I'm asked what I've learned from owning my own business I can't even begin to list all the many different things.  I mean, do I talk about the financial side (I would legit need a glass of wine in my hands to talk about that), the personal life-lessons, or do I talk about how I've learned that no matter what you do you can't avoid certain pit-falls or surprise expenses.  But instead of going into a laundry list of things that would bore you silly, I want to tell you about the biggest negative that's happened to me because it could and does happen to so many small business owners. First off, let me start out by saying that owning my flower shop is a dream come true and I truly enjoy bringing happiness to my customers and peace of mind during whatever event is taking place. I strive to make each person that comes in or calls feel special and I hope that they feel I'm doing just that. My ultimate goal is to convince everyone who orders from order-gatherers like "1-800-Daisy", "TeleBloom" and "BTD" to call me directly because we can make you something so much more special as well as use the money you are giving away to these large companies to make your arrangements so much more than what you think you're getting from them.  Just a quick side-note on that subject - if you give "BTD" let's say $100 I can guarantee that my shop will only see about $65.00 to $70.00 if we're lucky.  What that means is that you, as a customer, will not like what you ordered for someone because you're expecting a really large arrangement and not the actual recipe that we HAVE to use from these places.  Also, those "beautiful pictures" you see on their websites are one sided, meaning they put all of the flowers you see towards the front even though you're wanting an all-around arrangement (because that's freakin' normal).  Anyway, I digress...

A few years ago I was a stay-at-home mom and I needed something to get me out of the house.  It so happened that parents of a young lady on my daughters soccer team owned a flower shop and they were looking for some extra help at Valentine's day (we always look for some awesome people for that week and Mother's Day week).  They brought me on to help just for that week and I ended up loving it so much that I asked if I could stay on even if it was for just a few hours a week and luckily they liked me enough to say yes!  I was trained on how to make arrangements and all about flowers and plants but what I really loved was working with the public on the retail side even more.  Flash forward a few years...I made an offer to the current owners and we struck a deal!  I can't tell you how hard it is to buy a business, especially something like flowers.  Banks DO NOT like to give loans on something that they can't just take away from you if it fails.  However, my business plan was on point and I finally, after nine months of answering questions, tweaking my plan, going back and forth with the SBA, the bank, the owners, etc I became the proud owner of one the oldest and largest flower shops in my area.  September 15th was my two-year anniversary of owning Preston Flowers and Gifts!!  So, I'm telling you my history because it lends itself to what happened this year that was so disappointing and quite frankly just bad form.

The year after I had been working (not owning yet) at the shop it was time to bring in another group of willing individuals to lend a hand at Valentine's Day.  Every time we bring in a group of people we look for those certain people that we would love to keep if they are looking for a little extra income (fyi, this will not pay for a house...it may pay for you to convince your significant other to let you get your house cleaned - which I know because that's all I wanted to use the money for because I hate cleaning to be honest with you).  One person in particular, I'm not naming her, so I'll refer to her as Gertrude, showed great promise in her designing of flower arrangements and we definitely wanted to keep her on and train her more.  Gertrude was very talented and took to making floral designs like it was second nature and her personality fit right in with ours.  Gertrude learned everything she could which is what every owner and manager loves to see.  What we didn't expect was for her to take that knowledge and open up her own flower shop less than six miles away.  Now, I'm all for opening a small business and chasing your dreams but that was completely wrong...just plain wrong.  I know there's probably enough business to go around but why position yourself to directly compete with the place that took a chance on you and then trained you?  Why not go a little further away and have a different delivery area?  Literally the next town over needs a flower shop by the way (if you're interested I'll even help you write your business plan!). Gertrude and I could have supported each other and sent each other customers!  Each flower shop around here is fairly small and we truly believe in shopping local whenever possible especially when huge conglomerates like "Glamazon" sell everything and probably flowers someday too, so why make it harder to make ends meet for each other?!  I just don't understand and Gertrude sees nothing wrong with her decision.  When she told me they were going to do this I was genuinely happy for her until I found out where they were opening.  I honestly was cheering her on because I'm all about keeping our area filled with small mom-and-pop shops (I'd guess you'd call it).  It wasn't until I heard that they have the exact same delivery area as we have that it felt like a slap in the face.  I have no desire to make my employees fill out some crazy form having them promise not to do exactly what this person did and I won't start now because I truly believe that MOST people are better than that...but there is that small part of my now-jaded heart that thinks about it and I hate that feeling.

I'm sure some of you might not see the problem here but when it happens to you it stings...bad.  My Christian side wants to wish them all the luck but that other part of me...well, that's not my best side and that side has a potty mouth and not-so-nice thoughts on the matter.  I'm so grateful to have people that only shop with me because without those people I couldn't survive.  So I'm thanking those people that are loyal (some for over fourteen years) - without you, small businesses like my flower shop couldn't be here.  And to everyone that may read this...shop local and support your town, it's appreciated more than you will ever know.

Juror Number 62

So for my birthday present I was summoned to jury duty for the first time ever.  How nice...just what everyone wants to do on their birthday.  Technically it was the day before my birthday but just like every normal female my special day is more like a 72 hour thing (in my head at least) - one has to give people a window to shower you with gifts. Anyway, I guess I've been lucky thus far because I've heard so many other people being called several times over the years.  I had no idea what to expect and when I don't know what to expect I get very nervous.

I have several things that make me nervous for no good reason at all and I don't know if it's normal or not but the response I receive from others tells me that it's not.  For instance, when I have to pick up someone from the airport...that's a trigger for all my nerves to activate.  I've been to the same airport for over 18 years but yet when I have to go by myself I still freak out.  I know the route by heart and if I were just taking a leisurely drive it wouldn't be a problem (not that I would take a Sunday drive to the airport for fun...I just know it'd be different).  But lo, when I have to be there to pick someone up at a particular time all of a sudden I can't remember how to get there and which lane to be in for the pickup spot!  Do I stay in the right lane?  The right-right lane?  Or do I veer to the left and which left lane?!  Thank goodness the road takes you completely around and back again to correct my usual misguided guess to stay in the middle...every time.  I wish I could tell you how many times I've waved at my husband as he's waiting on the curb with his luggage in hand as I sail by giving him the I'll-be-back eyes.  It's amazing that I can see his eyes rolling in the back of his head even though I'm not close enough to stop and let him in.  Sadly he's used to it. Even worse is when I go to a new city; if I'm driving into uncharted territory I have to turn off my music and listen to google maps like I'm waiting on God to speak to me and if I'm not quiet enough I might miss his message.  I'm liable to snap someones head off if they try to make me look at anything other than road signs. "Look Barbara! There's a Hot-Fresh-Now sign lit up at that Krispy-Kreme!" "That's not our hotel! Hush so I can hear the magic map-voice coming from my phone!" Don't get me wrong, I'll store the donut information somewhere in my head for later when someone else is driving.  I'm only human. I wish I could say that going into Raleigh where I've lived in and around for over half my life was different but I can't.  There's one-way streets, parking decks (my kryptonite) and people...lots and lots of people walking around knowing where they're going.  It's like some people have this magic ability to find their way around anywhere they want to go and quite frankly it's annoying.  I mention Raleigh because that's where the court house is for these parts so that's where I had to go unfortunately.

I have to admit I'm not a morning person...like, at all.  Seriously everyone asks me what I'm doing up so early when they see the whites of my eyes before 10:00am.  Yeah, it's a problem.  So, everyone has to show up for jury duty no later than 8:30am - thus the punishment begins as well as my panic mode.  First, how am I going to wake up on time and second how am I going to get downtown and maneuver through one-way streets and find parking decks on the east or west side of some building?!  I'm literally getting a little sweaty thinking about it again.  Embarrassingly I decided to schedule an Uber.  What a relief to get that off of my plate for the next morning.  Wait, but how do I download this new app?  And once I do, how do I schedule a ride and do they send me some kind of confirmation?  Will they tell me when they arrive?  What if I have my hairdryer on and miss their call?  Will they just leave me and I'll be thrown in jail for contempt of court because I just had to fix my bangs one last time?  Will the Uber driver stab me if I ask him too many times if he knows where he's going?  Luckily my teenage daughter was kind enough to walk me through everything and call me that morning to wake me up.  Actually, my daughter called and my sister and husband texted me.  I'm ashamed.  Anyway, I got there with time to spare which was good because I stood there trying to figure out how much to tip someone that restrained themselves from punching me.  I really hope there's not a "no fly list" for Uber passengers because I really liked using that way to travel.  Funny story though - during the car ride there the driver was listening to the radio and there was a news article that came on about an Uber driver that actually did kick his passengers out because they were talking about political stuff and were apparently very conservative.  That driver pulled over, told them to get out and as the last passenger stepped out the driver yelled "WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!"  and sped off.  At that moment my driver peered into his rear view mirror and I stared back at him...neither one of us knowing what to say.  Do I laugh? Do I claim fealty to President Trump?  I just wanted to get there!  Unfortunately I'm an awkward human and when I'm nervous I say really, really stupid stuff so no surprise that when the driver, in a shockingly nice tone, told me to have a nice day I quickly responded with "WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!" What is wrong with me?!

I get to the jury check-in where I'm directed to a huge room where there are at least already 20 to 30 people scattered around sitting in pleather chairs.  I scan the room listening to people sneezing and coughing so I scope out a corner chair that is all by itself and scurry to claim it as mine.  At this point I'm more worried about catching something horrible than getting chosen for jury duty.  After the remaining fifty-some-odd people show up (late...guess they didn't Uber) I can actually see the germs floating through the air like tiny white cat hairs you can only see as they float through a stream of sunlight crossing your hardwood floors.  I'm disgusted.  Soon the clerk (I think that's their title) comes in and asks for our attention so she can play a short film clearly made in the 70's about what each position in the court holds and their duties...looking back I failed miserably at paying attention to that.  After torturing us with the vintage film she then tells all of us to pick up the bible next to our crunchy chairs so we can all repeat after her and swear to tell the truth.  She tells us to place our left hand on the bible and raise our right hand while she swears us all in. Okay, I can't put my left hand ON the bible and hold it from underneath at the same time.  I don't know why she got annoyed when I asked her if I was doing it right!  I just wanted to make sure that I was actually swearing in. She didn't even look at me when she asked if anyone had any questions afterward. It's whatever, I didn't care...yes I did.  My point stands; you can't hold something and lay that same hand on something at the same time! I know, I've seen movies and someone always holds the bible for the swearee (swearer?) I was already failing at my civic duty.

While we were waiting to file into the courtroom the clerk/lady comes in and informs us that there are three of us that posted our summons on social media.  What the?!  How did they know that? Now, I knew that I hadn't posted that so I just glanced around the room pretending to yawn and stretch to see who the guilty parties were.  I saw no one move.  Odd.  A few minutes later she returns and says there are still two people that still haven't taken down their posts.  First of all, culpable person number one was great at close-up magic because I didn't see any one's hands move to remove anything from their phone.  The third time she came in she let the two people know, whoever they were, that the next time two police officers would come in and take their phones in front of everyone.  I was starting to wonder if I posted it! I mean, maybe I did it and forgot?  No, no way...but maybe...I had to check! Clearly I wasn't the only one who felt the crushing weight of unneeded guilt because all of a sudden she poked her head through the cracked door and said "thank you".  Listen folks, if you're thinking of doing something stupid to get arrested for, just go to jury duty first and let the sense of feeling guilty for nothing wash over you because it only gets worse for the real deal.

Once inside the courtroom we are told the rules and that the attorney's will each have a chance to question us to see if we'd be a good fit for the jury for this particular case.  I shouldn't tell you what the guy did but let me say he wasn't a nice dude at all and didn't believe knives only belonged in the kitchen and you actually had to PAY for a car to own it.  As we are walking in, the defense attorney is staring through us like he was trying to read our souls.  When it was my turn to walk in front of him he was staring so hard I just knew I had left my shirt off or something.  Then he made sure to stare into our eyes to see judgment? Do I stare back like "you don't scare me mister" or "I have nothing to hide" or should I just go for "he's guilty so don't even bother asking me your silly questions"?  I looked away and blinked...I'm ready to get arrested and I don't even know why.  The prosecutor was much nicer.  Then the judge tells us we are no longer going by our juror number; we will all be called by our names!  Our names?? Do you want to tell the man on trial my address too?  How about you call him my Uber driver and he can just wait for me at my house?? This is getting out of control! Luckily there were a bunch of us so there's no way he would remember my whole name. That's what I told myself at least.

The State got to vet the jurors first and so they asked a bunch of questions but the one that stuck in my head was asking if you were biased towards law enforcement and if so then why.  Most everyone was saying that they could make a fair decision and although I'm pretty sure I could too, my Mom had given me a wonderful weapon to keep in my arsenal (maybe that's not the best analogy I should be using for this topic); my Mom reminded me that I had family in law enforcement and actually pretty high up there in rank. Yay Mama!!  And thank you to my uncle whom I mentioned to the prosecutor (not by name of course) for serving the community and helping me get back to work.  And I do truly believe as unbiased as I could be there would be something deep inside wanting to only hear what the law enforcement had to say in the matter. Many of you won't like that but I'm being honest which is what they wanted and what I want to be with y'all. Also, in my defence, the guy on trial was sitting there like he didn't give a sh...care and was bored to death.  Anyway, as the defence was listening in and not saying a word about juror after juror, I could barely get the words out of my face that I had family that had been law enforcement before the defence attorney jumped up and declared his right to exercise excusing the juror being questioned...me! I felt both relieved and that I had failed the biggest exam of my life!  How could I fail? I'm smart...I'm well spoken...I answered one question "wrong" which is still a low A or a B+ at worst.  I was escorted out and I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed until I was back at home having my afternoon coffee and getting to check in at my flower shop that is.

I Ubered home.

Patty Melts and Graduation

Tonight has been one of those evenings that you reflect on things that didn't affect you at the time but then one little thing that shouldn't really be a catalyst occurs and you're in tears.  Yeah, it's been some time since I've written a post but to summarize, I've bought a business, had face surgery (which you should know if you're following my blog) and had a senior in high school.  The last reason isn't a good excuse for not blogging!  It's killing me that I'm about to be an empty nester!!  These last eight months have been a blur and I haven't really had a chance to let it hit me until my husband made me a patty melt tonight...

I love all foods, no kidding, like every kind of food I'll give it a try and probably love it...or tweak it until I do.  There are some foods I haven't tried that I won't list here because it makes me look very sheltered...which I am, I won't lie.  But the patty melt?  What?  I mean every dive serves those and even some fast food places like McBlahblahblah brings them into rotation (side note: keep the McRib on your dang menu please) on occasion.  Anyway, we were deciding on Hamburger Helper or hamburgers tonight because I was working late at the flower shop...I swear if you start downing Hamburger Helper we will have words...also Salisbury Steak is the best flavor (you're welcome) when my husband said we had some rye bread and why not make patty melts.  Ummmm, rye bread and hamburger meat?  Blerk! But fine, he's the cook of the house so I usually take his advice so I responded with "if you say so".  He looked shocked and asked me if I had ever had a patty melt to which I answered no (innocently and truthfully) and the look on his face said either someone had cropped dusted him (if you don't know, that means pooted while walking by someone) or I was insane.  Well I neither passed gas nor am I insane (debatable) so I asked "what?? Is that something everyone has had but me?" - thinking I had bested him but he flatout said that every human has at least once.  Yes, yes I'm rambling, but the point is that it struck me that I missed out on something very yummy which got me thinking about other things that I maybe had missed out on which then led me to start thinking about all the things I took for granted in my daughters eighteen years on this earth.  Okay, so it's a stretch going from a patty melt to other things I've not noticed or missed but that's just who I am...I have weird triggers.  For instance, country ham...the end.  Just joking, let me verbally draw out how my brain works (and I think some of yours work this way too, right? RIGHT??).  I'm trying to stay off of bread (yes, I know I had a patty melt on rye!  Quit pointing out my diet fails!) so when we get Bojangles I just get a side order of country ham.  Who makes the best country ham?  Crackerbarrel, duh! I think of that place when I have country ham and Crackerbarrel makes me think of the time we ate there for Thanksgiving because Grandma passed away at that holiday.  Do I cry every time I eat country ham?  No, but I do get nostalgic.  I also get nostalgic when I get a roast beef from Arby's because my Grandpapa  would double my order thinking I needed two sandwiches instead of just one like every other normal human being would eat.  My point is...darn it I've lost my point.  No wait, I can tie this back together...

Tonight I was trying a food item that could have had some memory tied to it but it didn't so I thought about other things that I should have been thinking about but didn't until my daughter texted me while I was eating and said she took her last exam today for high school.  I mean I knew that was happening today but it didn't sink in at all. I've been doing all the graduation arrangements and wraps for my daughters graduating friends and my customers but until today I didn't take a beat to realize I missed out on senior year things.  I didn't think about my daughters senior prom because I was making sure that other girls corsages were perfect and I hadn't given much thought about her flowers that her dad will hand her next week because I've been so worried that other parents won't be happy with the flowers I gave them for presenting to their daughters. So maybe I'm more disappointed in myself for not being there when Skye was buying her dress for prom or that I didn't argue with her about how to do her hair for her senior portraits.  I don't know...I do know that it seems like senioritis hit me harder than it did her.  How bad is that?!  She didn't want senior pictures of her in nature or with her and a soccer ball out on the field to commemorate her last year of high school and although I wanted to do that I didn't force it. But I thought I had time!  Well, it's too late now.  Other than soccer I have nothing to tie myself to my daughters last year of high school...nothing.  Yeah, I bought her yearbook and class ring (it's not actually a ring, they have bracelets for girls now which is awesome but when the heck did that happen?) and made all the necessary arrangements to ensure some library fee won't hold her up from walking on that stage but that's it folks.  I feel like it would take a pool to hold every big thing that we did for our child up until her senior year but only a thimble to hold her very biggest year ever.  I am feeling sorry for myself right now because I wanted this to be the best year for my daughter but I didn't help that happen...for myself.  She's happy so I should be right?  It doesn't work that way I guess...we live through our kids and I only have one so that means one chance and although she seems very satisfied I feel like I've blown it for myself.  That's selfish but true.

I'd someday like to write a post that delves deep into everything my daughter has had to fight through to be the person she is today and someday I will with her permission but for me not to step up this biggest year of her life makes me feel awful and a failure.  I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm being straight with you all about slowing down and taking the time while you can.  If it means something to you then make it happen because your kids may not appreciate it at the time but they will in the years to come. I know because I look back and appreciate the things that my parents made sure I did even though I didn't see the value at the time.  That's the very definition of being a pain in the rear...I mean parent; we make sure you do things now that will help you later or at least mean something to you later.  I guess I'm not a parenting fail cliche but I'm definitely just a parenting eh whatev's.  On a positive note, my daughter has figured out who she is long before I did! She genuinely loves hanging out with her grandparents, she loves her aunts and uncle, she has a large group of friends that she adores, she loves tattoos (sorry Mama and Daddy), she knows what she wants to be after college and she can handle the stress of being a goalie which says so much about a person. But really I owe that to her and also her father who always shot straight with her when I only wanted to shower her with complements.  I just wish I had that one thing that I could smell, touch or taste that would bring me back to her senior year, but I don't.  Well I guess I do - I'll remember a patty melt made me think of writing this post.  

And Then She Pushed Hank Into The BioHazard Receptacle!

Since I wrote about my sleep apnea and all that comes with it and I let you all know that I was going to have corrective surgery to hopefully fix these issues, I decided to update you.  I did in fact have the surgery to open my "breathe-way" just the other day and I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel about how it went and how I feel now that the surgery is complete and the healing is beginning.  But I want to paint the picture of how it all went down first so you get a good idea of how I was feeling about going through with this major surgery first and as usual I'll oddly weave my way to where I am today without hopefully losing you to boredom.

Let me be perfectly clear to anyone thinking about having double jaw surgery (no, that's not the medical terminology for what was performed on me...I can't remember right now and I'm parked on the couch and have no intentions of getting up except to drink some food and go potty for at least another week), this is not, in any way, an easy surgery.  No matter how much the doctors, orthodontists, surgeon's and nurse's walk to you through everything or how many times they go over the procedure and what could happen or what you may or may not feel, you will still not be prepared to feel what you feel when you come to and in the days that follow...you will not be prepared to see how you look when you wake up from anesthesia...and you will not be prepared for the feeling of helplessness that overcomes you when you try to take your first sip of water and it just runs down your chin.  But, with all that, if you sincerely need the surgery as I did...it's one hundred percent worth it. Anyway, let me start from when I went in for my pre-op visit last Monday...

Last Monday I was starting to get really excited about my upcoming surgery which sounds weird because, well, it's surgery, when I went in for my very last appointment before going under the knife.  They were to make some last minute impressions of my teeth and answer any questions I may have before arriving that Thursday for the actual procedure.  I was excited because I, as you would have read in the last post, have tried everything possible to alleviate my sleep apnea including my horrible snoring that would wake the dead for over ten years...maybe around twenty.  I mean imagine not sleeping well for over twenty years! After signing in at the usual place, the surgeon's assistant that always helps me came in and brought me back to one of the rooms for my impressions and questions session and proceeded to ask me the normal questions that doctors and nurses always have to ask even if you had been there just days before.  Well, as she's asking me about how many glasses of alcohol I consume per week I can't help staring at this "example skull" that's sitting on the work counter...broken.  Yes folks, his jaw was broken and hanging akimbo for all to see.  Now, if you haven't realized what surgery I'm about to go through you won't understand how deeply this disturbed me; I'm about to have my jaw broken - on purpose, and there's a replica of what mine or anyone's skull looks like with the jaw hanging by one plate on the right side like I will be having put in my jaw merely three days from right then.  Apparently I was staring so intently at my broken little friend that the nurse finally followed my gaze and broke my trance with a small scream followed with "Oh! Oh no!!  You weren't supposed to see that!  Hank was in an office accident and we have to put him back together! Don't you pay one bit of attention to him Mrs. McKinnon!" As she's saying the last part about me not paying attention she's also realizing that it's too late, the vision is seared into my brain so she steps in front of Hank and then she pushed poor Hank into the bio-hazard receptacle.  Poor Hank.  I couldn't help but say a small prayer for him and wonder if I would fit into that red-orange trash can if they couldn't put my jaw back right.  I realize, as she's out of the room gathering herself, that I'm too big to fit into the bio-hazard trash can so they'll just have to try, try, try.  Needless to say I add a few more questions to my list as I'm overhearing the nurse telling one of her co-workers in the hall the fate of Hank and that no, she can't fish him out of there because it wasn't the normal trash can and then ask that same person what the hell she would have done in her position.  She came back to me not long after so we could get on with things but we never made much eye contact after that.  Personally I think we were both mourning Hank for our own reasons.  Next up...surgery day!

Three days had passed since my pre-op appointment and I had barely thought of Hank because I work at a flower shop and it was Valentine's week so I barely had time to sit down before Thursday rolled around.  That was good that I was so crazy busy because some of my more vain concerns started surfacing every time I stopped to grab a sip of water around late Monday evening.  I mean, this surgery was going to change my face!  If you don't know, I'm an identical twin so that is a big deal to me.  The doctors gave me a mock up of what I could come out looking like and although it's not a huge difference, it's definitely a difference so...I was a little emotional.  Anyway, I was committed to this and ready to move ahead so my husband got me up around 4:30 am and we headed to the hospital.  The surgery itself was to last around four hours and ended up being around five and a half hours and I came to feeling like I was hit in the face with a baseball bat and then swaddled in concrete.  Turns out the concrete feeling around my head was ice packs and I ended up not wanting them removed.  You know, I never did see what I looked like until way late that night and I won't lie, I wanted to cry...but I was high so I laughed.  I looked like a cartoon character!  My face was so swollen that my eyes couldn't open all the way and my nose looked like the check-mark emoticon.  Well, the next morning the surgeon didn't like the way my nose looked either and some other things he wasn't completely happy with so instead of starting the healing process I was scheduled for round two of Operation Fix Barbara.  What started as a one surgery Thursday check-in with a Friday check-out turned out to be a four day stint in the hospital.  It's okay, it was definitely worth it because guess what everyone...the surgery worked!  It worked!!  I'm still ready to start snoring again or waking up from this dream, but for now I haven't snored since the moment I came out from the first surgery.  It's a freaking miracle!  I kept asking my sister when she was at the hospital if I snored every time I napped and now I can't stop asking my husband every morning.  The surgeon literally opened my throat to three times the size it was pre-surgery!  You guys, I wish I could tell you how happy that makes me even though I'm still swollen and look like Louis Litt from Suits.  The swelling and pain will go away and I'll be left breathing well and sleeping like I've never slept before.  No longer will I be so tired from sleeping that I almost fall asleep at the wheel ten minutes into a drive or fall asleep on the couch less than five minutes in while trying to watch mine and my husbands favorite show or have to have my child yank me out of bed so I can get to an appointment that has nothing to do with her! No longer will my family opt to drive up the day of my daughter's tournament because no one would get any sleep if we went down the night before and stayed at a hotel.  This surgery is a game changer everyone and I'm going to embrace this new life...just as soon as I'm ready to stop hiding because I can't even take myself seriously with this face right now.

Thank you for reading about my journey to better health.  I'm posting a picture of the before and after x-rays of my throat hole so you can see the difference and then a little something my sister made for me (thank you Smalls!).  If you ever have any questions or are thinking about getting something like this done and want to talk to me just let me know.  This is a huge surgery and I'll be healing for a long, long time but I believe that when someone is ready to get something like this done then they are at the end of their rope and it's necessary and all that person needs is support from friends and family.

Here's to good sleep!!

Who The Hell Are You?

The other day I wrote on my Facebook page the following: 
I learned today that there are two groups of people - there is the group of people that can have differences of opinions and discuss, question, argue, fuss, debate, or whatever you want to call it and at the end of the day just agree to disagree and maybe even agree on some thing's but never fully everything but that's OK because there's respect and well thought out opinions and the discussion is fluid and non-stupid (seriously needs to be a word) and those same people read carefully what the other person is saying not what they want to read. That's very critical to having a good debate (not even a debate, just trying to make others see where you are coming from). Then there's group number two..idiots that can't see past their own nose.

Who the hell are you to tell me who I can and can't vote for?  Who the hell are you to tell me I'm wrong for what I believe?  You're no one when it comes to my fundamental beliefs and you're no one when it comes to how I feel.  That's what's cool about America...I can think and feel as I like and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that...or is there?  See, I'm up for listening to reason and could even change my mind about some things that I never thought about before IF you tell me calmly, coherently, and not judgmentally.  Without talking about who I voted for or how I felt about the candidates, I will tell you what happened to me today that made me want to say "who the hell are you to say that to me?" But I will also tell you about a few other friends with completely different points of view that stood up for me and how I watched silently along as they "discussed" the Women's March.  I'm going to try and not give away how I felt about the march and who I voted for because that's not what this post is about.  If I do end up spilling the beans, it's my opinion and feel free to comment but if it's hate filled like I saw today, it will not be tolerated and my laser puppy will find you (aka you'll be blocked).

Today my friend posted something quite interesting on her Facebook page about the Woman's March that wasn't...well, the mainstream thoughts of the men and women joining in.  If you want to read it let me know and I'll send the link.  Regardless, our long time friend, Julie, who is a huge feminist and life-long liberal decided to ask why this was any different from what she thought.  Anyway, it spurned a whole days full of conversation about why one felt the March was off point and why another thought it was directly on point.  In the end they both agreed that the woman dressed as a vagina was beyond comprehension.  LOL (no, seriously, no one could really speak for that). But in all seriousness, both Julie, Amy and Jenn decided that no matter all the different reasons one showed up, is that we, as women, showed we could come together en masse...BUT there has to be next steps.  We all agreed that "people must participate and affect the change they want to see".  It was so cool that we all had differences of opinions and Julie, remaining calm and vigilant, not only opened her heart to what was being said...she opened our hearts and eyes too because she wasn't "screaming" at us or demanding that we admit we were wrong and we all ended up agreeing a little more about everything and not just the weird vagina costume (barf). Anyway, I was really enjoying reading the comments and hitting like and I even asked why everyone couldn't have discussions like this without wanting to back-hand the other person or unfriending them because of their views when all of the sudden, out of the blue, some jerk said "If you are pro-Trump then you agree that women should be allowed to be sexually assaulted - so don't bitch when it happens to you..."

You know that feeling when you want to peel your face off and show your deepest anger but you're too busy wiping hot tears off your cheeks trying to pretend to your spouse sitting next to you that nothing is wrong because all they'll say is just let it go but you're preparing the mac-daddy of all ass chewings ever (if only you could see because that jerk really hit a nerve) and you just need a moment and two...no, three gulps of wine to calm down so you can respond in a manner that is so awesome and heated that he actually visualizes his journey to hell so he at least knows his mistake as he's getting ready to meet Beelzebub (aka. the Devil, Satan, Slue-Foot, the list goes on) and your words are so awesome they blaze hot and light up the whole room...but he doesn't notice because he NEVER REALLY READS WHAT YOU SAID!! Lord I hate those people.  I mean, c'mon man...I put thought into what I said and I really think if you went back and read it you'd at least take back the one statement that will have every woman that can read my facebook (approximately 438) wanting to strip you of your manhood...tiny as it clearly is.  Not only did this guy keep going about how woman ask for what they get, he boasted about how he served in our military.  Let me just put your mind at rest, my good friend Amy also served in the military and I literally visualized her holding this guy down with her boot to his throat even before she inboxed me...SHE is who is the face of the military (and one lady that stood up for me that I haven't met but clearly she's cool too...shout out to Cindee).  Between, Julie, the die-hard libertarian and Amy, the die-hard republican, I've got a good shot at hearing both sides fairly and calmly.  Honestly, I'm more republican than democrat but there have been many things over the years (yes, some of them argued by Julie) that have made me more of a republican with a democratic flare...and it looks good on me!

Anyway, I hated that I let one person get under my skin today because I knew he was a radical (and now eradicated from my friend list...get it? radica...never mind) but there are things that one day I'd love to share with you guys that would explain why it cut so deep, but for now it's important to know that you can't fix stupid and you can't change the mind of anyone that doesn't want to listen.  Change will only come when we can all agree to disagree AND find some middle-ground.  Also, and this is very important - please don't presume to know what others have gone through, are going through, have been through.  When you try to take into account things you can't possibly understand only then will you feel the power of your words take hold of someone else.  I don't presume to know what even my bi-polar identical twin has been through because I have only been a spectator but empathy is better than assuming nothing tragic, devastating, or just sad has ever touched someone.  Be careful with your assumptions and start listening with more than just your ears.

Remember, we may not like who the President of The United States is, but if we don't unite and get behind him then we will not have a successful country.  Did I vote for him? Maybe...or maybe not.  Do I get to complain because I voted?  Yep!  Will I?  Nope, but I'll enjoy all the jokes just like I did during the last several presidencies.  It's my right and besides, I adore humor!  Our differences make this world work even though it appears to also tear it down at times.  Our differences can be viewed as balance and that's how I chose to view it.  I'm totally open to differences and I hope you are too because if you're not we will never move forward as one.  Also, remember what Michelle Obama just recently said - if our Commander And Chief is successful then we all are successful.  And reminded us to aim high.  Good words to live by in my opinion.  

I can love you for who you are and what you believe...can you love others for who they are and what they believe?  Gosh, I hope so because it's a pretty cool feeling.

Darth Vader Has Nothing On Me

Have you ever pulled up to a stoplight and the person beside you is blaring their radio so loudly that even with your windows rolled up, your air-condition running on high and your own radio kicking out your jams at a fairly reasonable decibel, you can still hear and feel their music? Completely annoying right?  Well, pretend that car is beside you in bed and no matter what you do you can't drown out the noise and vibrations emanating from it.  Sounds like a bunch of y'all's husbands doesn't it?  I mean, if I was complaining about my husband you would say something like "OMG, I know right? I have to sleep in another room!" or "it's normal for men, just shove them and ask them to roll over!"...God I wish I could say it was my husband.

Sadly, I snore like a big hairy mammoth that has it's trunk tied closed less a tiny gap that lets a pin-hole worth of air through.  Picture it like this, you know how McDonald's has those extra thick shakes and they think they are helping you by giving you their extra wide straw, but when you go to suck down that cold yummy goodness nothing happens except maybe you drool a little because your mouth gave up?  Yeah, that's me breathing every night.  It's actually so loud that if you walk anywhere near my room you're either going to fear the wild beast that I turned into once sleep found me or I was eaten by a bear.  It's bad y'all, my breathing at night would freak Darth Vader out!  I'll give you a snapshot of how my sleep study went not that long ago - I don't find it nearly as funny as my husband did by the way.  

When you go to a sleep study, you have to go at a weird time of night, and by weird I mean I should be on glass of wine number two but you're not allowed to drink anything but water so as not to mess with their results (if you ask me it feels like they are punishing you for having sleep issues before you even get started).  Once you get there they have you brush your teeth, wash your face and potty so they can hook you up to some machine that resembles the getup Professor X wears to contact all the other weirdos...I mean gifted people around the world and then get right in bed.  Once in bed they tell you to go to sleep however you normally do...which I found amusing since a) I don't ever go to bed at 9:00 and b) they took away my wine which would have allowed me to entertain going to bed at a freakishly early time.  Oddly I passed out immediately.  Somewhere around the mid-night hour the technician came in and told me that my breathing was labored and she was going to put a mask attached to some machine on me to help.  Not gonna lie...I slept great!  I only wanted to throat-punch her a little when she woke me up again at 6:00...IN THE MORNING.  Anyway, you get the results as they are yanking the leads out of your hair, which they glued in with this white gunk so it leaves you looking like you went walking down the beach during a hurricane and the birds overhead were scared shi...to death and their bowels couldn't be held.  My results went like this:
Her - so you say your husband travels during the week?
Me - yes
Her - with your snoring I'm surprised he comes home at all, heck he might be able to hear it all the way in Nevada! Hahahahaha
Me - 
Her - anywho, we recommend the cpap machine...(and a bunch of other words - I was just happy that I was going to be fixed!)

She even added in that I have restless leg syndrome but who cares, I was going to be able to breath during the night!  Looking back, I should have watched for when her pupils turned to dollar signs but at the time I just wanted a good nights rest and for the rest of my family to not dread staying at hotels with me knowing that I'd be the only one asleep.  Technically I'm not sleeping well but to others it appears that way.  I'm literally getting only about 30 minutes of sleep for every 1 hour I'm "sleeping".   Well, I tried that damn machine on every "ramp up" number (how forceful the air is blown into your nose-holes) and every level of humidity and all the combinations that could be made and no matter what I did I felt like someone hooked up a faucet to my nose.  I was sick for days.  I was so sad...it was a big fat fail.  

I gave up trying to solve my problem for a while...it's expensive to keep trying different things!  Over time I've tried mouth guards, saline rinses, nose bands and some other weird stuff that's not holistic as they claim because my lack of sleep had gotten so bad that I could only drive for a short distance before I was fighting sleep and don't even let me sit on the couch for a few minutes!  So, just like any normal person I've decided to have someone break my face to finally fix my problem.  Okay, so I went to an ENT and then a maxillofacial clinic and they are going to fix the way my jaws line up because apparently I have a tiny throat hole and a large tongue (I know, I sound amazingly beautiful). 

Hopefully the next time I blog I'll be all fixed...well, all fixed in that department.  I am constantly reminded of the aging process within my body and this sleeping problem is speeding up the dang process.  Sleep, or lack thereof, affects so many things in your life...I had no idea until these last few years.  When you're young you toss all cares to the wind and pull all-nighters and you bounce back like you didn't miss a beat!  Now, well, if I didn't have two alarms, a kid, a dog and two cats that count on me on some level of survival and a job I adore, I think I could sleep for a week straight!  But no worries folks, I will have more to blog about after this surgery...bladder leaks, weird pains in my left hip, weakening eyesight, squatting for too long, my love affair with Zantac...

Ps. I missed you all!

How To Text With Your Teen...LOL

I fear I have mislead you all with my post title as I have no idea how to communicate with the average high-schooler anymore.  In my defense, I just wanted to grab your attention so I could then admit that I should have added "I Need To Know" first.  I thought I had a good grasp on the "skill of teen talk" until social platforms like Twitter came out that literally fast forwarded the creation of new and really, really confusing acronyms due to their limited amount of characters allowed per tweet.  The manufacturing of new acronyms over text was bad enough before the majority of kids realized there was a platform that they could have a whole conversation with someone else while allowing others to view the whole "discussion".  I use the term 'discussion' loosely because I'm at a complete loss for what those things are that go on between two young people on there.  Oh, I follow my kid on all of her social media sites, I just don't understand what the hell I'm reading sometimes! I'm hoping that discussing this out loud (yes, I know it's not really out loud) we can start making some educated guesses without exposing our lack of knowledge to too many young people...thus making my post title somewhat correct.  

Remember the good ole days when acronyms had almost this unwritten three-word maximum rule?  I mean who doesn't immediately get what FYI means?  Just in case, it's For Your Information.  But seriously don't even tell me you don't know that one.  But see now that's not good enough for the average teen; kids need to make it complicated and type something like FYIAEOILY...D (for your information and eyes only I love you...duh).  Okay, so I made that one up but I'm not even close to joking when it comes to what they have "shortened" in to some sort of messaging system that resembles and drunk guy trying to recite the alphabet!  To be fair they have kept some simple acronyms like ILY, I love you, or IKR, which is "I know right"...but I still had to study that IKR one for a while to figure it out.  For the life of me I couldn't think of what word started with a "k" that my kid was saying to me.  I won't lie, I was starting to think I should punish her for some risque word she was thinking of that she took the first letter from but again I was stumped.  I had no context because I had sent her a picture of it raining outside!  Turns out she was agreeing with me in the way that you and I would say "yeah, I know it's terrible out there and I hope you're enjoying a nice cup of that cocoa you love so much while I'm here in school." Okay, so maybe IKR is better here.  And here's a fun fact, the iPhone doesn't auto-correct that one!  It for real knows that you meant to type those three letters together!  Heck, it'll give you the option of keeping it like that or spelling it out even.  Oh, and there's a ton more it knows...my OS (operating system...I'm not trying to be a smart ass...this time) knows how to communicate with my child better than me!  "Siri, text my daughter that it's time to come home." "Kk." It makes me wonder if I were to type three letters together that meant to spell "you" but I fat-fingered "uyo" if it would give me the option to keep it like that or let me choose "ugly yo-yo offering"...which clearly I would.  I mean if I wanted to say "you" wouldn't I just put the letter "u" now?  Which begs me to address the fact that just a year ago it would have auto-corrected the "u" to "I" because who in the world can't type three letters that sound like one?!  I wish you could hear my inner inflection as I type that...I have my eyes wide open and my frustrated-screechy face on right now.  It's out of control people!  I mean IOOCP!

Here's a typical conversation between two teens via social media (don't worry, I'll translate after...because I kind of can now):

Kid 1:  HBD O! ILYSM!! DM me if u wanna hang l8tr QT!
Kid 2: LOL ILY2! IDK if I can yet.
Kid 1: HBU go check.
Kid 1: WYD 
Kid 2: lax sry
Kid 1: kk hang?
Kid 2: dont forget the hbd glo up for ur bff
Kid 1: yeet

Translation...ish:

Kid 1: Happy Birthday Olivia! I love you so much!! Direct Message me if you would like to hang later cutie!
Kid 2: Laugh Out Loud (I don't know if it's supposed to be all capital letters or not or if that depends on how loud your laugh is) I love you too! I don't know if I can yet.
Kid 1: How about you go check.
Kid 1 (again): What are you doing?
Kid 2: (sometime later) lacrosse (game or practice we'll never know) sorry
Kid 1: Okay hang?
Kid 2: Don't forget the happy birthday age progression pictures of your best friend forever (that took an in depth explanation and a visual for me to grasp)
Kid 1: the word "yeet" can mean the following:  sweet, cool, I'm on it, okay or here I come. Also, I'm fairly certain it can mean "help, I'm falling so please help me, help me now" because I've made that noise on multiple occasions and that's exactly what I said.

Writers note:  I still don't know if they ever got together and hung out that day but I did see the age progression collage fly across my Twitter feed so...yeet!

There are a ton more examples of acronyms and weird words out there that I can't figure out and some I'm scared to ask about.  Example?  Well, FOH for instance I found out from a friend. The O is for out of, the H is for here and the F isn't for fork <ahem>.  Probably my kid knows that one but I'd rather hear it from someone over the age of hers...whatever age she is (it'll get tougher over the years I know). It just feels unfair because all these kids know our tried and true acronyms PLUS their own.  Honestly I feel like I'm a foreigner in my own car when I'm driving a gaggle of (that's more than three and less than 6) teenagers around.  It's total BS!  See?!?  Tried and true! 

Here's my list of acceptable acronyms and their meaning:
BRB - be right back
TTYS - talk to you soon
TTYL - talk to you later (almost interchangeable with the popular ttys but be mindful of timing)
SYS - see you soon
FYI - for your information
NM - never mind (I used to think that was just one word - I ultimately lost the "it should only be an N!" argument)
OMG - oh my God/goodness
*LOL - laugh out loud

There may be a few more but that's pretty much the ones that I can completely understand especially when there's context.  I literally started typing this post the other day and in that time I've learned three new acronyms!  There's also acronym-codes to alert the teen or creepy young adult living in their parents basement you're chatting with that they shouldn't respond inappropriately because your mom is standing somewhere in reading-over-your-shoulder range.  I'm kinda proud my daughter told me about that one...I'm going to assume for now that she actually gave me the right intel and didn't try throwing me off course.  Anyway, this post would be much too long if I kept going with all the new phrases, acronyms and codes that have come out and continue to and I'm sure if you have a kid anywhere from 12 to 18 you've heard all the ones I've mentioned plus others that I haven't come across yet.  It's exhausting!  And annoying...exhaustively annoying.  

People, here me now - teenagers around the globe have an inside joke going and it's something that we'll never be a part of.  They all understand it no matter where they live and they are getting a big kick out of having some weird language that adults don't understand.  It's like they are born with this new gland...the universal language gland! Every child is now born with it so that this new form of communication doesn't need to be taught in high school so you can get a job in a new country someday. Seriously, "LOL" in America is the same in Japan (or is that ROR? KIDDING!  Don't get offended OMG!).


Anyway, I don't think I helped us learn anything but I hope you know that you're not alone out there if you're feeling cold and vulnerable trying to figure out what your kid is tweeting, texting, snap chatting, blah, blah, blahing...because you're not alone, not at all; I'm struggling right there with you.  

TTYL ILY




*LOL actually means LAUGHING out loud not LAUGH out loud. I just learned that before hitting the post button and I'd be remiss if I sent out bad information to you...apparently only us old people didn't know that. And yes, there is a difference between the two, I'm just not sure what it is but there you have it.

Modern Obscure Maternity (M.O.M.)

I'm not normal.  I don't strive to be normal nor do I harbor any jealousy towards those mothers that encompass all the requirements that I feel place them in the traditional or "normal" category.  I do, however, respect the women out there that do all those mom-things that categorize them in what I feel is more conventional than myself.  I don't fit that mold and I have finally decided that I'm totally okay with it.  I wasn't always okay with it...that came with time and a family that let me be...well, me.  Trying to be something I'm not was not good for my mind or my soul.  I personally feel we need all types of mothers out there to fill the many different roles our kids need and we ultimately make one well-oiled machine that our children can only benefit from.

What is normal or traditional you ask?  I'm sure I can't answer that question entirely or to the satisfaction of all of you ladies out there although I'm sure most of us could probably agree on a lot of the same ideas.  In fact, I have a feeling that when I do try to describe, in my humble opinion, what I think falls under this "normal" category that it may actually step on some of your little toes.  So, I'd like to pre-apologize for missing anything in my personal assumptions as I try to outline as best I can what I feel qualifies some of you as the quintessential (of or relating to the most perfect embodiment of something) mommy. Oh and I'd also like to remind you that this is my blog and direct you to the word "my"...feel free to write whatever you like in comments.

Actually, I'm not sure what makes up the "normal mom", I just know I'm not. So I'm just going to tell you a few things about me that I feel makes me the non-traditional type of mother and tell you about the journey that made me who I am today.  Mind you, some of the things that we have in common are things that you did well before you were with child and were long-ago whims or my-friends-dared-me-to-do-it type things...I just happened to want to do them after my kiddo came along.  In fact, she's so much of her own person and has been since she was small, that I would say she's the main reason I've embraced my true self.  Some of my non-traditional qualities you guys will embody too...it's not like my true self wanted to rob banks or something, I think that it's the culmination of them all while in my 40's that lends to my thinking that I'm not mainstream and maybe not the perfect fit for certain groups.  I like to think I can hang with just about anyone but I've said before in previous posts that I'm not for everyone and I'm okay with that.  I can promise you this though - I'm about the easiest friend you'll have; I don't need to talk to you or see you everyday to validate our friendship and unless you give me reason to think it, I won't assume you have a problem with me just because we haven't spoken for a month...or two...or longer.  Sometimes I wonder if that makes me a lazy friend but then I step back and check myself because I can't forget that we all have things going on in our lives...even us stay-at-homers.  I am, however, lazy in other ways I hate to admit. I actually started writing a post called Tales Of A Lazy Mom but stopped mid-way through...I'm not sure why...

If I had to identify  myself in a particular category during my teenage years, I'd have to say I was fairly mainstream with the prerequisite 90's wardrobe, big hair and a love for MTV (you know, back when it was actually about music and music videos - you wouldn't remember if you were born anytime after the mid 1990's).  I tried to never call attention to myself and was actually told that I was very quiet in high school when I went to my 20th reunion.  The quiet part shocked me because I love to make people laugh (and I have to be reminded that I don't need to yell my stories when I'm sitting beside someone...my poor family.  I just get so excited!).  I spent a huge part of those early years trapped in a scoliosis brace, shoe lift and braces on my teeth (my teeth and spine were jacked up, bless my heart) so blending in was a mix of goals and dreams especially because my identical twin had no desire to remain unseen whatsoever.  I guess I spent so many years after high school trying to be that funny girl people wanted to be around that I forgot I never wanted the attention all those years ago.  It was inevitable that I would want to tell good stories to my friends I guess; if you could meet my dad you would know that at least one of his daughters was destined to learn the art of delivering a humorous spiel.  It rubbed off on both my sister and myself, I just chose to advertise it via blog, radio, that one time on stage (too frightening to do again), etc.  I'm not saying that I've mastered it, but I would like to think I've gotten pretty decent at it.  The good news is, and if you read my blog regularly you'll know this about me, that my social anxiety actually helps with the funny stuff (also something I've embraced). My late teenage and early twenties were something quite opposite of when I was in high school and quite frankly surprised the hell out of me.

When I graduated from high school I also got to graduate from the scoliosis brace and all those other things that made me want to hide from the world.  It was freeing and terrifying all at the same time.  I went off to college and was probably less excited than I should have felt because it was the first time I would be without my twin sister (and parents of course).  If you don't have an identical twin or if you aren't the more passive of the two you might not understand how scary it is to wake up and not have the stronger personality mentally (and sometimes physically) pulling you through everyday life.  I had to be my own person!  That was not okay with me.  I had to make my own way...for a whole week!  As it turns out the person I was without my sister wasn't that bad.  Surprisingly I met the man I would marry only two years later during my first week away from my whole family and he liked who I was!  Because of him I heard new music and saw new places that I'd never think of visiting on my own.  He taught me how to play pool and introduced me to stand-up comedy.  I loved that part the most and we still quote some of the greats to this day, over twenty-four years later.  I also fell in love with watching movies; we would go to the theater and usually watch two per weekend night (they weren't freakishly expensive like now though).  I guess I'm trying to describe myself through telling you my journey through my twenties.  Is there a part of me that wonders if I'd be much different today if I hadn't met my husband at 18 years old?  Sure, but what we go through over the years is what molds us into who we are today and I know I'm not anywhere near perfect, but I like this version of me.  As much as my daughter is more her own person than I was at her age, she'll make some changes here and there because that's what living and the people in your life, well, force you to do quite frankly - and that's not a bad thing.

The years between my late twenties and now have been spent doing the whole mom-thing but in my own way no matter the opinion of others.  That's not to say I don't welcome advice because I've needed a ton of it from the moment I understood my parents words and I will until the day I no longer walk this earthly path.  Will I take all of your advice?  Um, no...would you take all of mine?   I advise you not to; sometimes advice is really an opinion and Lord knows we all have different ones.  There's a saying about opinions and it mentions that some of them stink.  Moving on!  This is me as summed up and condensed as possible because I've rambled on so long about how I got here.

I love tattoos (sorry Mama) and I have a few now.  They all mean something to me and I can't promise that I won't get another.  I pierced my nose recently because it's something that I've wanted to do for a while and low and behold it didn't change who I am.  I quit my job to pursue something that not many people succeed in - writing.  I wear clothes that probably cost too much and aren't age appropriate anymore (except those items with words in visible places), but let's face it, True Religion makes your butt look better.  I love hanging with my kid and her friends and quite frankly I like their music too.  I'm not one bit domestic but I'm optimistic as is my husband...well, he's more hopeful than optimistic.  I literally don't sweat the small stuff to a point that it can appear that I don't care.  Nine times out of ten I'll choose to stay home instead of going out even at the promise of a yummy dinner. So maybe these things don't disqualify me from being bor...conventional but it certainly lands me in a different category.

I think I completely missed the mark of what I was intending to write about...but thanks for the therapy.

It's Heart To Talk About

I wish I could sit down with my daughter and coherently explain to her why when she is in any kind of pain I feel it too.  In fact much of the time I feel it deeper and longer than she does especially when I can't do anything about it.  And the physical stuff?  I wouldn't know where to begin explaining to her that her headaches make my heart feel like a pincushion from worrying whether it's a concussion or a sign of something worse. Or, when she's limping because she killed her knees as goalie during a soccer game I feel like someone has my heart in a choke hold, especially knowing that she did it willingly and will again the very next day. But the emotional pains that my child suffers are the hardest on me and I'd be willing to bet that most mothers feel the same for their children.

Honestly, until you're in a position where you take care of someone who depends on you to survive, you can only imagine how much it hurts when that dependent hurts.  It's not the same kind of hurt you feel for a spouse or your parents and not even close when it comes to friends.  That sounds callous but it's true; I love my husband and my parents to pieces but that doesn't change the fact that they aren't my child.  Your child is your heart and if they aren't then you need to reevaluate yourself.  I tell my daughter all the time that I want to take whatever pain she's feeling from her and make it mine.  Over time the look she gives me when I tear up over her boo-boo's or her hurt feelings have gone from "what the heck" or "why would you want to feel this" to "I know, I know...you'd rather it be you than me".  It's not just about taking her pain away; explaining the emotions a mother feels for her child is as complicated as solving those darn Rubik's Cube's and she won't completely understand until she's a mom herself and I'm not talented enough a writer to articulate it to her in a way that she'd truly understand why I'm sad when she's sad and happy when she's happy.

Some days my daughter's day has so many ups and downs that I feel as if I've run through an emotional maze.  And not just a normal mice-find-cheese maze!  No, no...I'm talking about one of those horrid ones you see in movies like Labyrinth with hidden walls and changing paths. Or, on a particularly rough teenage day, the kind of maze like in The Shining.  You know what I mean - the kind you have to frantically keep covering your tracks after every step with snow in hopes that the psychopath can't track you down and stab you with an icicle and if done successfully, he finally ends up freezing to death because he's so lost.  Oh shoot, I meant to say spoiler alert since 1980 wasn't that long ago (said no one ever).  I strongly feel that it helped paint a good visual for you, thus forcing you to better grasp how hard it is for a mom to navigate her teenagers emotions especially on those occasions that your daughter feels that one of her friendships is falling apart.  Those are the times that you really, really don't want to watch your child suffer through.  As hard as I try to remain dry-eyed, I can't.  I say, what I hope is, the right things while trying not to let her see that I'm hurting for her because if she thinks I'm upset she might stop talking.  You have no idea how many times I've told her that I'm only wiping my eyes because something flew in one of them or that I'm sometimes allergic to the dog we've had for years, like it had a bad dander day. Lame, I know.

There is nothing more important than the "right now" with teenagers.  We all have gone through it and we all have felt like nothing matters but what's happening right then.  It's not until you leave high school, I believe, that you start to see things differently.  I've tried to tell my daughter this and I've promised her that how this or that person is treating her right now is not a reflection of her, it's a reflection of who that person is.  But, no matter how much you try to tell them the tears still flow.  I want to tell her that I've met that girl or boy before back when I was a teenager and she will be saying that to her children someday (Dear Lord, let me have at least one grandbaby).  I say to her that sadly there's always at least one jerk born every year that's only out for themselves and will hurt you no matter what or how close a friendship you thought you had.  But the look on her face says you're not really helping because it's still a broken friendship.  Gah, I want to find that kid and...and...well, nothing because I'd get in trouble just for wagging my finger in their face.  But I want to say to them that they are a walking cliché and to enjoy the moment of being able to hurt someone by just ignoring them because in a few years they'll be irrelevant.  Then I think to myself, what's the point because they are so self-centered that my words wouldn't even phase them for a second so I'd just be standing there looking like a foolish old mom fussing at someone else's kid.  I'm thinking about this so hard my daughter can hear it and she tells me not to do anything that she just wants to vent...that she doesn't need my help.  There are many reasons I continue to tear up during this whole night-time conversation, starting with her not needing my help, but the biggest one is that my daughter is hurting and I can't magically make her forget about this kid.  The other reasons I'm sad for her is because I know this isn't the last time it will happen, that I too liked that kid, and that I know she would forgive them if they asked and she will think it's genuine.  

I like to tell my daughter that not everyone you lose is a loss and really it's that person who screwed up because they lost her.  I feel sorry for them because she's everything I wanted in a friend growing up and they are too blind to see the fierceness and loyalness of her friendship.  I tell her that someday, when she's not hurting so badly, because time does heal us, when someone asks if she knows that very person, she'll be able to smile at the good memories and say "I used to".  But, as you can imagine, it doesn't fix it right then and there (so I give her melatonin and knock her butt out because she's not listening!  Kidding!) so I have to let her cry and deal with it in her own way and just hope that my words slowly sink in.  To walk out of her room knowing that tears are flowing down her cheeks is so hard and if I could paint you a picture of what my pain looks like, you'd see me dropping little pieces of my heart like breadcrumbs on her floor from her bed to where I sit down at night.  And I sit there knowing that I left her there feeling sad, confused and hurt and I actually feel like I physically ripped those pieces of my heart out and if I were to look down I'd be able to see the trail I left behind.  You know, as much as I would love to be young again...never would I wish to be a teenager again.  But everyone must go through it and learn to rise above or work around or handle the teenage years with as much grace as possible so that you see the value in a true friendship later.  Believe me, even the jerk-kid has to go through it and maybe, just maybe he will be a better person when or if you ever meet again.

I would like to add one thing that annoys me that too many people say to kids all the time like it's a remedy to solve all problems.  It's "life ain't fair!" Where do you think you learned that lesson?  Your teenage years of course!  First of all, it's a silly statement because life is not a singular event.  Also it sounds like you're trying to say that everything in life sucks - you sound ridiculous because life is made up of millions of events and most of them are positive.  Events that are happening to our children are big to them so I beg you to please quit using a blanket phrase that makes it sound like they are whining because they didn't get the same amount of cookies that someone else got. 

Kid:  I thought they were my best friend!
Dad: Life ain't fair.

Kid: My best friend just said she didn't like me anymore!
Dad: Life ain't fair.

Kid: Why wouldn't they invite me, all of our friends are there?
Dad:  Life ain't fair.

Sorry, I just couldn't type a mom saying that over and over again.  What?  Life ain't fair.  That was a horrid attempt at humor.  Anyway, I just had to add that pet-peeve of mine in here; being eloquent is my delima not throwing out platitudes in hopes that it miraculously explains away everything.  You and I both know that what our children are going through isn't as big a deal as they think much of the time but it's a huge deal to them and it's our job to help try to lessen the pain and teach them to deal with lifes curveballs so they can do the same for their children.  I look at the teenage years like this - being in your teens is like being at war and you just have to fight to make it out of there alive.  Our job as parents is to watch, worry, and sometimes send in a care package to help lessen the proverbial bleeding.  I can't imagine how much harder it would have been without my mom's shoulder to cry on or my dad's sage advice when I was my daughters age.  Right now I'm wondering if Daddy remembers telling me that no matter what, when I was at school the next day to smile as if what's-his-face didn't hurt my feelings by breaking up with me.  That's some of the best advice ever!  I'll tell you guys why in a different post.   I'm sure they were thinking how that someday I'd look back and realize some of those things that felt so terrible at the time weren't really as tragic as I thought.  And I'm positive my parents hurt for me too when I was balling my eyeballs out about some boy or when teased by a classmate but now I can't even remember their names...well, for the most part.  

I'm always working really hard at not overstepping my boundaries as a mom by remembering that to be my daughters hero is to let her go through the pains of these high school years only mentally holding her hand and not trying to fix the situations for her.  I would be failing her if I didn't respect that right of passage, but I won't lie...it hurts like hell to watch.