Social Anxiety Stinks Like The Pits!

I hate that I have to make sure I have enough deodorant on to hide the fact that I'm nervous to socialize with anything larger than a group of two humans!  I feel like I have enough of an education to actually join in a conversation with the Average Joe, but when faced with the task of actually jumping in there and adding my two cents my skunk-like defenses kick in and try to repel the threat.  "Oh, you want my opinion on that?" <spray>  "Oops....ohhhh, please don't leave?  Well, okay then, I'll just call you."  Thank the Good Lord that it doesn't actually permeate my clothes (or does it?  Why aren't you telling me if I stink?!  Do I?)!  I actually don't wear cute sleeveless tops if I'm going to be around too many people just in case.  If I do get caught off-guard and I'm wearing some type of flutter-sleeved number that I realized too late didn't actually cut up to my armpits then I have to hope and pray that whatever bathroom is near doesn't use those blow dryers for your hands.  I need some type of paper product - preferably one that had "...the quicker picker-upper" on the packaging.  Once I do start talking I can't stop either!  It's horrible!!  I actually know what I'm doing and still can't stop.  I most always experience an out-of-body type thing and I sit across from me and scream to me to please, for the love of Chatty Kathy, shut the hell up!  I've tried shaking myself but since you guys can't see the other me...well, it's disturbing looking.  If I have enough "gathering myself" time then I can usually manage to keep my mouth shut, but then I just come across as not giving a crap about what others have to say.  How bad is that?!  I'm either coming across as a hyper jack-ass or an uncaring mute.  Awesome.  Also, when I make plans to hangout, my body knows what's to come so then my tummy starts feeling bubbly too.  That's just perfect - now I'm going to have body odor and gas?!  Really?  Is that fair?  Now I have to wear sleeves, extra deodorant, down some Gas-X, and chew those minty Imodium's!  I'm nervous and dehydrated...fun.  Well at least the chew-able medicine is minty so when I'm babbling my face off, my breath won't melt anyone's eyes out of their skulls.  I guess it could be worse...no...nuh-uh, I'm wrong...it can't get worse unless I take on the defense mechanism of a porcupine.

Luckily, in most settings I can come across as entertaining and I sometimes even get the "you should be a comedian" complement and that makes me happy.  Wait, they could mean like one of those clown people that go to kids houses and scare the crap out me...er, them.  Then that would make me cry.  But people still invite me places so I'm going with my first emotion.  The company I currently work for is very social which I actually do like a lot but it can really push the limits of my newest deodorizing "finds".  Yes, like my toothpaste and face washing obsession, deodorant is among one of the items that I have to try each time I see something new.  Did you know, since my obsession came up, that they have these little wipes in those tinfoil hand-sanitizing pouches that have snake venom in there?  Apparently the venom is supposed to paralyze or temporarily stun your underarm glands so that you don't sweat for about ten hours or so.  Good news...I can finally take that stupid safari I've been dreaming of and laugh in the face of snakes because according to my nerve driven pit-funk I'm apparently immune to venom!  Still, I sit here wondering how they got the snake to spit on that tiny little wipe...


I did do a stand-up type thing years and years ago but it was sprung on me while sitting in the audience.  Luckily it was too quick to have my innards blow up before falling out uncontrollably.  It was more like an interactive improv deal with the comedians putting on the show and it went surprisingly well.  I just don't think I could plan to go on stage and not have a complete freak-out-meltdown while locking myself in the nearest bathroom stall.  The only reason the one I got to join in on worked out is because I did that thing where I just start saying anything that comes remotely close to my brain.

I guess, if I had to chose, I'll pick being socially stunted like this rather than not being able to socialize at all.  I like people, well most people...well some of you, and would hate not being able to interact with you without being heavily medicated.  Maybe that's what it'll come to someday but for now I do my best to blend and have fun with my issues.  I do worry though...what if I walk around blurting out things like "I LIKE CATS!" or "BEEP IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!" to anyone that glances in my direction?!