Commonsensical Marriage Rules

In less than seven weeks I'll have officially been married for half of my life.  I know, it shocks the hell out of me too!  This is my follow-up to my last "just-for-fun" post about secrets of how to stay married for so long.  There are no secrets so don't look for 'em!  Use your heart and your brain and try not to test the boundaries of your partners patience.  I mean...I tend to test my husband, but I try not too (I can be rather annoying).  Currently I'm trying to decide if I should just list what I've learned to be true for my marriage or list what everyone should do (in my humble opinion of course).  I think I'll do both!  Here are the blatant rules or commonsensical guidelines as I see it.  Think of me as Captain Obvious for now...

1.  Do not try to stab your spouse...they don't like it.

Hello...is this thing on...too obvious?  Let's move on:

1.  Respect.  This is probably the most important and the broadest "rule" there is in a marriage.  You don't hafta' like something about your partner but respect should still be in your heart.  If you lose that for your other half then everything he or she says or does will appear annoying and as if they are insignificant.  If you give respect then it will probably be reciprocated.  Also, you have to be respectful.  You can desire respect all you want but that will set an expectation only for you not for your partner to reciprocate. Be blatant, be honest, no hints and for Heaven's sake...if "respect" is on Amazon.com at least put it on your wish list.

2.  Friendship.  Be a friend and remember it's always okay to think of your partner as your BFF.  Friendships require work just like marriages - you can't kick around a friend and expect them to always forgive you so give it 100% and find those things that keep your marriage and friendship strong.  For me it's the small stuff that we have in common that can literally bring us back together if we start drifting.  There is nothing wrong with letting a Bon Jovi song bring you back to the place that you remember how much you like singing together.  Sit outside and download those iTunes songs that you know your spouse will love and sing along even if you don't remember all the words (tip: the louder you sing the less they'll notice).  It's also important to remember that friends argue and so do couples.  Get over it as fast as you can and forgive as fast as you can.  Swallow your pride and fix it...you're not always the one that's in the right.

3.  Apologize.  Sometimes you just gotta say sorry first even if you don't think you were the one in the wrong.  This co-insides with the rule of friendship.  I mean, will it kill ya to just say sorry so you can get back to the more important things?  But remember, and this is important, you can't assume that "sorry" will fix things all the time.  It's imperative that you know that you can't say sorry and continue to make the same mistakes...you look stupid when you do that.  Trust me...I know.  "Sorry" doesn't help with the chores or help with dinner.  Those are not silly over sites...you're just not helping out when you don't pitch in when asked.  Hey, I just apologized last night for begging to rent Cowboys and Aliens and wasting two hours of both of our lives.  I actually feel the need to apologize again for that POS movie...ugh.  Oh, I was just informed by my sister that no apology to a husband or boyfriend is necessary for a crap movie when Megan Fox is in it.  Anyway, be smart about how often you apologize and always...ALWAYS mean it when you do.

4.  BOGO.  It's also very important to remember that you are now in a "Buy One Get One" relationship.  When you make a friend then your partner makes a friend.  If that new or old friend doesn't like your spouse then too bad they've lost you too.  Not everyone is going to get along every time you introduce a new friend or couple.  It sucks but it's just the way it goes.  Personally, I'm completely baffled when someone doesn't like me 'cause I rock.  Kidding about that except I really don't understand when people don't like me...'cause I rock.  Honestly, I don't always understand but I also usually don't know until it dawns on me much later that either I didn't shower the last time we hung out and you can't be around such a smell or you just really don't like me.  Did I mention that I rock...?  As a long ago friend once said "I'm not for everyone" and I love that saying 'cause it's so very, very true.  Some people are socially stunted and don't know it either.  These are the worst people to start liking!  You start out having a blast and invest all kinds of hanging out time in this new friendship just to find out later that they were never taught to think before speaking.  Same people start out awesome just like any relationship and then get comfortable and let the hurtful things fly out of their faces not realizing that they just majorly stepped out of line.  If your socially stunted friend hurts your partners feelings or actually tells you they don't like who you chose to be married to then you need to cut ties with said ass (as politely as possible - like telling them the next time you are invited to hang out that you're getting your pinkie toes cut off and won't be able to make it but "thanks so much for the invitation!  Let me know next time and hopefully I won't be jabbing bamboo shoots under my remainging toenails and will be able to party on down with ya!").  It's also your responsibility to know your own spouse and what type of people they like to be around and not force a situation.  Been there - done that...NEVER works out.

5.  Pretty Liar.  See, this one gets sticky because you don't want to lie to your partner but you WILL be faced with the choice multiple times over the course of many, many years.  You will have to use this in situations in the "how do you like my new haircut" area.  Understand?  The haircut cannot be undone and if you go "Dear Lord what the heck have you done to your head" when you're wife walks in the door...well, it's a tad hurtful.  Try this:  "Oh wow, I think I'll have to get used to it but if you like it then I do too".  Then you can sneak off to the nearest toilet and upchuck if necessary.  Or try the line "it's nice Honey...but you know me, I'm not good with change.  It'll grow on me." Then whisper that you meant to say it'll grow back after walking somewhere very, very far away from...Earth.  Oh, and never offer your opinion if you already know you're going to say something negative unless you're stopping your spouse from leaving the house and embarrassing themselves (booger, unzipped pants, toilet paper on their shoe, and not to forget the supportive bra situation...get one). *Disclaimer:  if you don't want to hear the truth...don't ask for it (because <gasp> not everyone reads my blog).

6.  Contract Killer.  This is for men...and some women that scare me or play softball.  Always kill the bug, bee, fly, spider, rodent, cobra and questionable floaty thing in the air for your woman.  Always.  Never scream and run like a little girl in front of your wife when previously listed critters are pointed out to you.  Also, I suggest you don't say "do it yourself" or you might find that a fly's head is laying on the pillow next to you when you wake up.

7.  Chemistry.  Ew...my Mommy reads this.  Let's just say that you should find your significant other attractive at ALL their stages of life (and sizes...I meant weight...WEIGHT...wait...Mommy?).  However, it's each individuals job to keep caring about their appearance throughout the years - don't stop caring just 'cause you had a child...that's just dumb.  Besides, when you feel good about yourself it shows...wait...

8.  Humble.  Don't ever think you or your family is better than your partners.  I don't have a reason other than it makes me not like you.

Knowing that over *50% of marriages fail and some of the smartest people on Earth are part of that percentage...it leads me to believe that whether smart or dumb common sense is used much too sparingly in a relationship.  Also, I recommend getting a dog.

*Probably less than that...making a point and I hate Googling on an iPad.