GIRL FIGHT!!!

Let me offer you a bit of advice...always, no never instigate a fight if you aren't the stronger one in a potential brawl!  If you're not sure, I recommend erring on the side of caution, which in this case would be you holstering whatever anger you're feeling.  Being only angry for a few days is a heck of a lot better than being angry while sipping your pureed steak through a straw so your jaw can heal.  Sadly it has taken me two major girl fights with my sister to realize that no matter how identical we are...she can put me in the ground EVERY time.  In my defense, she is able to shut down whatever pain receptacles humans are born with when "I poke the tiger with a stick".  Two things - one, I have yet to find out my super-power that will at least rival her 'Nerve Shutdown Kick Ass' power; two, I'm not sure where I got a stick but I sincerely regret poking a wild beast-kitty with it.  Furthermore, it happened so fast I didn't get to see her turn into a tiger but I'm gonna be so pissed if that's another super-power and I still haven't figured out my first one!  I know I preach about not being able to "fix stupid" but I really don't think I am stupid for taking two fights to learn...I just think I let myself take a break from whatever intelligence I cling to on a normal basis when I get that riled up.

The first fight that I got my caboose handed to me by my loving, though apparently mutated, sister was our senior year of high school.  Now, I can absolutely promise you that I was in my best shape that year EVER!  I swam year-round, did weight training, and if I was bored I'd take a long run. Wow, I just teared up...if I get bored now the best I do is run to my laptop and see if JCrew is having that 30% off sale.  Okay, that's not totally true...I just ran last night!  <sigh> Okay, okay; I ran to the fridge to get my bottle of Riesling while a commercial was on.  So, back to me poking a stick at She-Who-Turns-Into-Large-Cat (I did not know she had the power to be numb on her 'I'm Awesome List' yet...yet).  She and I always shared a bathroom and usually never had an issue with taking turns in the shower, using the hair dryer, or using the mirror over the sink. Oh, there are a few times that we jumped out of turn and even then handled those times fairly well and without incident.  Normally it would go something like, "hey, if you let me use the hairdryer first I'll let you have firsties two days next week".  Cool, right?  But sometimes someone isn't in as good of a mood as the other and that same someone might have been previously pissed off at the one currently in the bathroom.  That "someone" that was pissed off was ME!  My sister knew that our Dad had tried to wake us up that morning twice already and like most teenagers I waited until I knew that I was out of time and out of chances. Three attempts was the magic number in my house.  I had honed the skill to listen for my Dad's footsteps, keep count of how many times he had already asked me to get up, and keep snuggling with my favorite pillow!  My dear, dear sister decided that it would be so funny to come in and in her deepest voice yell "WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN BED?!".  I remember jumping up and I remember thinking that, no, I did not paint my whole room black.  Then I remember cracking my eyes open and seeing my sister laughing her fool head off at my expense!  I did manage to sit up shortly after peeking around the Laughing Girl-face and at my bleary surroundings. I feel icky so I just want to put my head down for just one minute more and then I hear the dreaded footsteps that marked times-up for me...personally I liked blacking out the first time better because at least I hit the bed.  Well, after I come to again, I promise my Dad that I'll do better and I turn my attention to my doppelganger currently primping in the bathroom.  Remember that this is the late 80's so we loved us some hairspray!  We bought Rave - Number 4 (strongest hold EVER!  If you walked outside into a slight drizzle you would end up with glue) and we coveted each glorious can.  My sister was currently working on her right "wing" and had yet to start on her left one.  If you don't know what a "wing" is, it's when you hold your hair out from your temple and spray enough Rave, or whatever sub-par spray others used, to glue a large dog or medium size child to a wall and then put your hairdryer on low for a quick dry and viola!  Awesome.  I know how much we used because I made the mistake of walking behind my sister once during this ritual and I can't remember the exact time, but I'm pretty sure I was pinned against that wall for 5 to 6 minutes at the least.  That right there is some damn fine hairspray!  I am off-topic yet again, my apologies.  Let me start at the point where I'm eyeballing my primping sister and  I get this wild idea that I will punish her by running through and grabbing the nozzle where the magic hair holding-juice comes out.  I run, grab, run some more, open my hand to make sure I have accomplished my diabolical plan, fist pump (because I have the proof), hyena laugh, turn, and then land on my butt...wait, that wasn't part of my plan!  Right after my short lived celebration I realized several problems with my plan, one being that I didn't run out of the house and change my name as I'm signing up for the Army at the local recruiting office.  Nope, not me, I stopped about four steps past the scene of the crime.  Have you ever sweat, urinated, giggle-burped and cried all at the same time?  I have and it is not the way I want to be remembered but I was pretty sure that's the last thing I'd ever do when I was standing up for the third time that morning, I heard "Girl, you just poked the tiger with a stick!"  Oh crap. Being of little brain that day I decided to swing...hard.  The worst noise I ever, ever heard came next; my Super Mutant Feline Ninja Sister laughed AGAIN!  I saw the mark on her arm...I pulled back my fist...I aimed...and hit the same spot and was rewarded with more laughing.  What is this power?  Did I have the...nope, I did not, in the least have that same power!  When I got up the fourth time I knew that I had learned a valuable lesson...if you're going to poke the newest cast member of the X-Men with any pointy objsect, use a stun gun.  Just a little tip.

One of these days I'll tell you about the second fight, but just for a teaser...if you're gonna kick in a door, make sure that you have found out what you're super-powers are.  FYI, stupid is NOT, I repeat NOT a super-power, it just makes you think you have one.