The Legend of Negative Santa

Let me tell you folks a little story about a very special man known as Negative Santa.  Whether or not you believe in him is irrelevant; he is real and unlike his red-clad alter ego, Negative Santa can show up any time of the year.  Anyway, his existence came to be years and years ago  as most any fantastical hero's does...out of necessity.

<please picture that wavy dream-flashback special effect now>

There was a handsome father that loved his children with all of his heart but for the life of him couldn't keep them from leaving every possible item they owned from off of the floors in their rooms.  He tried everything he could think of, but alas nothing did the trick.  One day, out of sheer frustration, the handsome dad grabbed a large black trash bag and marched upstairs to try one last thing.  The father proclaimed that he was there to collect and throw out anything that remained on his daughters' floors if it wasn't picked up lickity split!  And then, with a twinkle in his eyes, dubbed himself, with a "ho-ho-ho" that rivaled anything that once-a-year jolly fat man could belt out, Negative Santa.  On that day, out of necessity, the newest of all legends was born.  *Songs have been written, books have been penned, bedtime stories created all retelling the story of Negative Santa.

Now you should know that once Negative Santa starts making his rounds there's no turning back for him.  **Your items, beloved or not, will not ever magically reappear no matter how hard you plead, beg, pout or even cry.  Once you hear the battle cry of Negative Santa announcing his arrival you'd better get your rear in gear because you may have five to six minutes at best to pick up anything you desire to see again.  And if you happen to be borrowing your bff's favorite stuffed animal for the day that keeps her from having nightmares...well, my hopes for you is that it's nothing irreplaceable.  ***Legend has it that Negative Santa also knows which items mean the most to you so get your priorities in order if you plan on gambling with time. 

Just like other characters of this nature, the older you get the less he visits...but don't be fooled, he is alive and well and he doesn't need you to clap, do a special twirl-dance or whisper "I believe" five times into a wishing well to keep him that way.  He is the most powerful of all the legendary characters! Once he's been to your house you will start learning to pick up your junk!  I challenge you to name any other who teaches children to clean up and treat their belongings with respect?!  Not Santa Clause...please, he just keeps giving you stuff no matter what happened to your oh-so-old-that's-soooo-last-year presents.  ****Negative Santa is always kind but stern, he likes fishing, Johnny Cash...<ahem...sorry, that's his bio>

So, that's the story of Negative Santa.  If you have the "how many times do I have to tell you to clean up your room" headache yet again (worse than a migraine) maybe you should write Negative Santa with your wish list!  You can write anything your wee little heart desires because everything on the list is in stock and ready to go!

On behalf of Negative Santa, and I feel comfortable in speaking for him here, if he has to carry anything larger than a 30 gallon trash bag to pick up after your children, then that's just ridiculous and you seriously need to consider maybe parenting just a touch better.

*lie

**Major exaggeration - Negative Santa did, in fact, return the stuff but the children don't remember...thus the legend grows as they tend to do.

***lie

****not a lie

This story is based on fact not fiction.  Also, no animals were harmed or used for any type of testing during Negative Santa's rounds.  The writer of this post would like to thank the handsome father who taught her a wonderful life lesson and left her with wonderful memories of her childhood.

The End