Letter To A Fool

Dear Fool,


I do hope I spelled your name correctly as I wanted to thank you properly in my heartfelt letter to you.  Many, many thanks for making sure to park your car directly opposite to another car on the street in my neighborhood.  I give you props for actually being able to line it up exactly with the car that was there before you - it must have taken hours to align it just right.  Way to stick with it! I'm assuming that the corner of the street where you normally park and make it practically impossible for others to take a left without narrowly missing your bumper was taken...and for that I apologize.  I'm sure your spouse didn't mean to take your parking place; once he masters that whole texting and driving at the same time thing I'm sure he'll let you know ahead of time.  I do prefer your light colored car parking there instead of his bright red one; the louder color he chose sucks the fun right out of my driving experience as it gives me at least two more seconds to contemplate whether to have a head-on collision with the car currently turning right or to rear end him.  Any more of a heads-up and I wouldn't have the pleasure of feeling the color drain from my face and my intestinal fortitude tested daily.   Sadly I had a beautifully written thank you card for y'all just the other day but when I was taking that special left I failed the aforementioned test and...well, the letters bled together when I had to put the card to a different use.  On that note, I'd like to apologize for the trash I saw in your yard.  Looks like you may want to wear some gloves when you go pick it up.


I've done a lot of thinking about your parking choices and I have to say that I completely understand you not wanting to park in your driveway.  With your kids needing to fly down your wonderfully sloped driveway on their toddler bikes without bothering to check if a car is heading their way, any vehicle parked in the driveway would clearly hamper their fun.  It was really cool looking when your youngest daredevil shot out into the street the other day because with your car parked right before your driveway it actually looked like he came out of nowhere!  It was like magic.  And it's a good thing he's mastering the art of magic because I have no idea how a mere administrative assistant like myself would be able to peel him out of my front bumper.  Well, that might not be an issue until he's closer to like seven or eight years old...my SUV is pretty tall so he might just slip right under it if we time the trick just right.  And I know for a fact that the kids these days like to rock metal plates in their heads so if we're a little off on the height estimate it's alllll good.


I really enjoyed our chat when I decided to stop and say "howdy" yesterday too.  The look on your face told me that you may not speak English because I'm pretty sure I just said hello...although I can't remember.  Maybe I said it too loudly?  Oh, that hand gesture is just my fancy way of waving - I'm cool like that.  I'm sure I'll slow down and say hi or whatever is currently trending again really soon.  Speaking of trending - I just saw on Twitter that #YoureAnIdiot and #YourKidMyBumper is the current trend.  I'm not sure why I thought to tell you that...I mean, we barely know each other and there I go showing off my knowledge of current events.


Well, I've taken up enough of your time.  I'm sure we'll see each other again really soon - I hear that Geico makes a mean cup of coffee so maybe we could hang out there together!


Warmest Regards,
Female Drives Bigwhitecar


(friends call me Suv for short - it's pronounced like "QUIT BEING A RUDE JERK AND TRY NOT TO GET YOUR KIDS KILLED")