It's Heart To Talk About

I wish I could sit down with my daughter and coherently explain to her why when she is in any kind of pain I feel it too.  In fact much of the time I feel it deeper and longer than she does especially when I can't do anything about it.  And the physical stuff?  I wouldn't know where to begin explaining to her that her headaches make my heart feel like a pincushion from worrying whether it's a concussion or a sign of something worse. Or, when she's limping because she killed her knees as goalie during a soccer game I feel like someone has my heart in a choke hold, especially knowing that she did it willingly and will again the very next day. But the emotional pains that my child suffers are the hardest on me and I'd be willing to bet that most mothers feel the same for their children.

Honestly, until you're in a position where you take care of someone who depends on you to survive, you can only imagine how much it hurts when that dependent hurts.  It's not the same kind of hurt you feel for a spouse or your parents and not even close when it comes to friends.  That sounds callous but it's true; I love my husband and my parents to pieces but that doesn't change the fact that they aren't my child.  Your child is your heart and if they aren't then you need to reevaluate yourself.  I tell my daughter all the time that I want to take whatever pain she's feeling from her and make it mine.  Over time the look she gives me when I tear up over her boo-boo's or her hurt feelings have gone from "what the heck" or "why would you want to feel this" to "I know, I know...you'd rather it be you than me".  It's not just about taking her pain away; explaining the emotions a mother feels for her child is as complicated as solving those darn Rubik's Cube's and she won't completely understand until she's a mom herself and I'm not talented enough a writer to articulate it to her in a way that she'd truly understand why I'm sad when she's sad and happy when she's happy.

Some days my daughter's day has so many ups and downs that I feel as if I've run through an emotional maze.  And not just a normal mice-find-cheese maze!  No, no...I'm talking about one of those horrid ones you see in movies like Labyrinth with hidden walls and changing paths. Or, on a particularly rough teenage day, the kind of maze like in The Shining.  You know what I mean - the kind you have to frantically keep covering your tracks after every step with snow in hopes that the psychopath can't track you down and stab you with an icicle and if done successfully, he finally ends up freezing to death because he's so lost.  Oh shoot, I meant to say spoiler alert since 1980 wasn't that long ago (said no one ever).  I strongly feel that it helped paint a good visual for you, thus forcing you to better grasp how hard it is for a mom to navigate her teenagers emotions especially on those occasions that your daughter feels that one of her friendships is falling apart.  Those are the times that you really, really don't want to watch your child suffer through.  As hard as I try to remain dry-eyed, I can't.  I say, what I hope is, the right things while trying not to let her see that I'm hurting for her because if she thinks I'm upset she might stop talking.  You have no idea how many times I've told her that I'm only wiping my eyes because something flew in one of them or that I'm sometimes allergic to the dog we've had for years, like it had a bad dander day. Lame, I know.

There is nothing more important than the "right now" with teenagers.  We all have gone through it and we all have felt like nothing matters but what's happening right then.  It's not until you leave high school, I believe, that you start to see things differently.  I've tried to tell my daughter this and I've promised her that how this or that person is treating her right now is not a reflection of her, it's a reflection of who that person is.  But, no matter how much you try to tell them the tears still flow.  I want to tell her that I've met that girl or boy before back when I was a teenager and she will be saying that to her children someday (Dear Lord, let me have at least one grandbaby).  I say to her that sadly there's always at least one jerk born every year that's only out for themselves and will hurt you no matter what or how close a friendship you thought you had.  But the look on her face says you're not really helping because it's still a broken friendship.  Gah, I want to find that kid and...and...well, nothing because I'd get in trouble just for wagging my finger in their face.  But I want to say to them that they are a walking cliché and to enjoy the moment of being able to hurt someone by just ignoring them because in a few years they'll be irrelevant.  Then I think to myself, what's the point because they are so self-centered that my words wouldn't even phase them for a second so I'd just be standing there looking like a foolish old mom fussing at someone else's kid.  I'm thinking about this so hard my daughter can hear it and she tells me not to do anything that she just wants to vent...that she doesn't need my help.  There are many reasons I continue to tear up during this whole night-time conversation, starting with her not needing my help, but the biggest one is that my daughter is hurting and I can't magically make her forget about this kid.  The other reasons I'm sad for her is because I know this isn't the last time it will happen, that I too liked that kid, and that I know she would forgive them if they asked and she will think it's genuine.  

I like to tell my daughter that not everyone you lose is a loss and really it's that person who screwed up because they lost her.  I feel sorry for them because she's everything I wanted in a friend growing up and they are too blind to see the fierceness and loyalness of her friendship.  I tell her that someday, when she's not hurting so badly, because time does heal us, when someone asks if she knows that very person, she'll be able to smile at the good memories and say "I used to".  But, as you can imagine, it doesn't fix it right then and there (so I give her melatonin and knock her butt out because she's not listening!  Kidding!) so I have to let her cry and deal with it in her own way and just hope that my words slowly sink in.  To walk out of her room knowing that tears are flowing down her cheeks is so hard and if I could paint you a picture of what my pain looks like, you'd see me dropping little pieces of my heart like breadcrumbs on her floor from her bed to where I sit down at night.  And I sit there knowing that I left her there feeling sad, confused and hurt and I actually feel like I physically ripped those pieces of my heart out and if I were to look down I'd be able to see the trail I left behind.  You know, as much as I would love to be young again...never would I wish to be a teenager again.  But everyone must go through it and learn to rise above or work around or handle the teenage years with as much grace as possible so that you see the value in a true friendship later.  Believe me, even the jerk-kid has to go through it and maybe, just maybe he will be a better person when or if you ever meet again.

I would like to add one thing that annoys me that too many people say to kids all the time like it's a remedy to solve all problems.  It's "life ain't fair!" Where do you think you learned that lesson?  Your teenage years of course!  First of all, it's a silly statement because life is not a singular event.  Also it sounds like you're trying to say that everything in life sucks - you sound ridiculous because life is made up of millions of events and most of them are positive.  Events that are happening to our children are big to them so I beg you to please quit using a blanket phrase that makes it sound like they are whining because they didn't get the same amount of cookies that someone else got. 

Kid:  I thought they were my best friend!
Dad: Life ain't fair.

Kid: My best friend just said she didn't like me anymore!
Dad: Life ain't fair.

Kid: Why wouldn't they invite me, all of our friends are there?
Dad:  Life ain't fair.

Sorry, I just couldn't type a mom saying that over and over again.  What?  Life ain't fair.  That was a horrid attempt at humor.  Anyway, I just had to add that pet-peeve of mine in here; being eloquent is my delima not throwing out platitudes in hopes that it miraculously explains away everything.  You and I both know that what our children are going through isn't as big a deal as they think much of the time but it's a huge deal to them and it's our job to help try to lessen the pain and teach them to deal with lifes curveballs so they can do the same for their children.  I look at the teenage years like this - being in your teens is like being at war and you just have to fight to make it out of there alive.  Our job as parents is to watch, worry, and sometimes send in a care package to help lessen the proverbial bleeding.  I can't imagine how much harder it would have been without my mom's shoulder to cry on or my dad's sage advice when I was my daughters age.  Right now I'm wondering if Daddy remembers telling me that no matter what, when I was at school the next day to smile as if what's-his-face didn't hurt my feelings by breaking up with me.  That's some of the best advice ever!  I'll tell you guys why in a different post.   I'm sure they were thinking how that someday I'd look back and realize some of those things that felt so terrible at the time weren't really as tragic as I thought.  And I'm positive my parents hurt for me too when I was balling my eyeballs out about some boy or when teased by a classmate but now I can't even remember their names...well, for the most part.  

I'm always working really hard at not overstepping my boundaries as a mom by remembering that to be my daughters hero is to let her go through the pains of these high school years only mentally holding her hand and not trying to fix the situations for her.  I would be failing her if I didn't respect that right of passage, but I won't lie...it hurts like hell to watch.