Okay, so my title isn't true...but if my face wash can say it why can't I? Either my mirror is a big fat liar or my jar of anti-aging cream is! I'm just about fed up with giving items ten days to two weeks time to make "noticeable changes" in my appearance. I mean this is getting ridiculous! At this point I should resemble a smooth telephone pole!! I've poured...no, bled, copious amounts of cash towards smaller pores, less wrinkles, reduced dimples, less stretch marks, whiter teeth, younger looking hair (whatever that means, but who wants twenty-nine year-old hair and forty-something year-old knee wrinkles at the same time? So throw that in my shopping cart fo' sure!), and tighter neck skin. All the while burning calories because some genius decided to put caffeine in my body butter! That's right, you can't use lotion because the number one ingredient in lotion is water! I'm pretty sure that the stress of finding the right "image cocktail" has aged me more than the sun at this point. Let alone my husband saying things like "I've used one kind of shampoo since Jesus walked the earth and Ivory keeps my skin the same just fine...and bonus, it's recommended for our dog too!" every time he sees a receipt. I would like to say that a pencil through the eye would, if not keeping him from looking younger, would keep him from rubbing a bar of soap over his face for a few weeks! At least he would suffer from "adult acne" in his "t-zone" for a little while and then maybe he'd be forced to indulge in my micro-dermalbrasion facial peel so as to keep him from getting a freakin' white head that can only be scratched off. Yup, you can't pop those, you can only scratch them off. But that's a no-no too because if scratching the hell out of a blemish doesn't cause a new wrinkle it will cause a new dimple in the lower soft tissue of your right butt cheek (I think I read that on one of the more expensive face moisturizers). And for goodness sake, don't put your items on in the wrong order or you could fast-forward the aging process thus looking like the crypt keeper at 39! I once put my dark circle minimizer on before my anti-age serum and I'm pretty sure I was hunch-backed for two days! Right now I'm at the conclusion that Superman is real and can fly backwards to reverse time more so than there's some magical face fairy that sprinkles wrinkle be-gone dust on your face every night so you wake up and go "DAAAY-UMMM, I look like a dew-kissed fresh mornin'! I bet I get carded for that box o' wine I buy on my way home from work today!". Although I was always confused with Kent Clark having the hubba-hubba's for Margot Kidder...really Kent...really? That woman looked ninety when she was in her late twenties (plus always sounding like Earnest Borgnine). Guess she didn't read the fine print on her Time Rewind Nighttime Rejuvenating Cream...serves her right.
My night is filled with rules and guidelines! I go upstairs and turn on my sink to "waste water" (really to let it get hot...I was just quoting my daughter), rub on my face-washing cream, rinse, brush my teeth (I can't dry my face according to my sister because that might rub the thirties out of my skin), smooth my miracle anti-aging cream all over my face and decliatage (or however you spell neck in expensive language), freak out because I forgot to use my serum first, dab on (with your ring finger because it's weaker than your middle...because no one gives the bird to Cover Girl with their ring finger...DUH) my under eye wrinkle reducer, dab on (with same ring finger) the dark circle diminisher, whimper until the burning subsides, and then look through my samples to make sure I didn't miss the tiny blow torch that was included in my last gazillion dollar purchase so I can burn off the top layer of my forehead. And that brings me to samples...
Samples plain S-U-C-K! They are either too small to use, come in some foil crap-pouch that once you rip open and use you have to throw away because they ooze all over your butt-dimple caffeine cream or they are just big enough that you incorporate them into your daily routine. That my friends is the worst! If you incorporate they have you!! Don't let that happen to you as it did to me. You see, "skin doctors" are like crack dealers; these evil derma-docs give you a taste of the good stuff and then when you like what you "tasted" and want more...well, they kick you in the wallet! Take it from me, stay away from the samples!! I'm still recovering from the Easter Peeps smelling exfoliating body wash episode and, if you didn't notice the season reference, I got that during EASTER! Not good. I need a support group...but I'll look for that after I run out since I found that Amazon still had four bottles!! Yay!!
I feel pretty positive that I should look like a senior in high school with all the products I've bought but lucky for them the caffeine butt cream stops working at my second layer of skin and I'm too lazy to go back and complain. Besides, who wants frown lines?! I'm not scared of getting older...I just want to see shock on peoples face when I tell them how old I really am (and I don't mean younger than they thought!).
Gotta go heat up my water now!
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