Patty Melts and Graduation

Tonight has been one of those evenings that you reflect on things that didn't affect you at the time but then one little thing that shouldn't really be a catalyst occurs and you're in tears.  Yeah, it's been some time since I've written a post but to summarize, I've bought a business, had face surgery (which you should know if you're following my blog) and had a senior in high school.  The last reason isn't a good excuse for not blogging!  It's killing me that I'm about to be an empty nester!!  These last eight months have been a blur and I haven't really had a chance to let it hit me until my husband made me a patty melt tonight...

I love all foods, no kidding, like every kind of food I'll give it a try and probably love it...or tweak it until I do.  There are some foods I haven't tried that I won't list here because it makes me look very sheltered...which I am, I won't lie.  But the patty melt?  What?  I mean every dive serves those and even some fast food places like McBlahblahblah brings them into rotation (side note: keep the McRib on your dang menu please) on occasion.  Anyway, we were deciding on Hamburger Helper or hamburgers tonight because I was working late at the flower shop...I swear if you start downing Hamburger Helper we will have words...also Salisbury Steak is the best flavor (you're welcome) when my husband said we had some rye bread and why not make patty melts.  Ummmm, rye bread and hamburger meat?  Blerk! But fine, he's the cook of the house so I usually take his advice so I responded with "if you say so".  He looked shocked and asked me if I had ever had a patty melt to which I answered no (innocently and truthfully) and the look on his face said either someone had cropped dusted him (if you don't know, that means pooted while walking by someone) or I was insane.  Well I neither passed gas nor am I insane (debatable) so I asked "what?? Is that something everyone has had but me?" - thinking I had bested him but he flatout said that every human has at least once.  Yes, yes I'm rambling, but the point is that it struck me that I missed out on something very yummy which got me thinking about other things that I maybe had missed out on which then led me to start thinking about all the things I took for granted in my daughters eighteen years on this earth.  Okay, so it's a stretch going from a patty melt to other things I've not noticed or missed but that's just who I am...I have weird triggers.  For instance, country ham...the end.  Just joking, let me verbally draw out how my brain works (and I think some of yours work this way too, right? RIGHT??).  I'm trying to stay off of bread (yes, I know I had a patty melt on rye!  Quit pointing out my diet fails!) so when we get Bojangles I just get a side order of country ham.  Who makes the best country ham?  Crackerbarrel, duh! I think of that place when I have country ham and Crackerbarrel makes me think of the time we ate there for Thanksgiving because Grandma passed away at that holiday.  Do I cry every time I eat country ham?  No, but I do get nostalgic.  I also get nostalgic when I get a roast beef from Arby's because my Grandpapa  would double my order thinking I needed two sandwiches instead of just one like every other normal human being would eat.  My point is...darn it I've lost my point.  No wait, I can tie this back together...

Tonight I was trying a food item that could have had some memory tied to it but it didn't so I thought about other things that I should have been thinking about but didn't until my daughter texted me while I was eating and said she took her last exam today for high school.  I mean I knew that was happening today but it didn't sink in at all. I've been doing all the graduation arrangements and wraps for my daughters graduating friends and my customers but until today I didn't take a beat to realize I missed out on senior year things.  I didn't think about my daughters senior prom because I was making sure that other girls corsages were perfect and I hadn't given much thought about her flowers that her dad will hand her next week because I've been so worried that other parents won't be happy with the flowers I gave them for presenting to their daughters. So maybe I'm more disappointed in myself for not being there when Skye was buying her dress for prom or that I didn't argue with her about how to do her hair for her senior portraits.  I don't know...I do know that it seems like senioritis hit me harder than it did her.  How bad is that?!  She didn't want senior pictures of her in nature or with her and a soccer ball out on the field to commemorate her last year of high school and although I wanted to do that I didn't force it. But I thought I had time!  Well, it's too late now.  Other than soccer I have nothing to tie myself to my daughters last year of high school...nothing.  Yeah, I bought her yearbook and class ring (it's not actually a ring, they have bracelets for girls now which is awesome but when the heck did that happen?) and made all the necessary arrangements to ensure some library fee won't hold her up from walking on that stage but that's it folks.  I feel like it would take a pool to hold every big thing that we did for our child up until her senior year but only a thimble to hold her very biggest year ever.  I am feeling sorry for myself right now because I wanted this to be the best year for my daughter but I didn't help that happen...for myself.  She's happy so I should be right?  It doesn't work that way I guess...we live through our kids and I only have one so that means one chance and although she seems very satisfied I feel like I've blown it for myself.  That's selfish but true.

I'd someday like to write a post that delves deep into everything my daughter has had to fight through to be the person she is today and someday I will with her permission but for me not to step up this biggest year of her life makes me feel awful and a failure.  I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm being straight with you all about slowing down and taking the time while you can.  If it means something to you then make it happen because your kids may not appreciate it at the time but they will in the years to come. I know because I look back and appreciate the things that my parents made sure I did even though I didn't see the value at the time.  That's the very definition of being a pain in the rear...I mean parent; we make sure you do things now that will help you later or at least mean something to you later.  I guess I'm not a parenting fail cliche but I'm definitely just a parenting eh whatev's.  On a positive note, my daughter has figured out who she is long before I did! She genuinely loves hanging out with her grandparents, she loves her aunts and uncle, she has a large group of friends that she adores, she loves tattoos (sorry Mama and Daddy), she knows what she wants to be after college and she can handle the stress of being a goalie which says so much about a person. But really I owe that to her and also her father who always shot straight with her when I only wanted to shower her with complements.  I just wish I had that one thing that I could smell, touch or taste that would bring me back to her senior year, but I don't.  Well I guess I do - I'll remember a patty melt made me think of writing this post.